shhhhiiittt

im wrtting this blogg from my cell....so the style maybe alittle different...... ive been called into work....but i cant stand that i even agreed to go. im hating my situation ......i want to do something better than this. however no matter how many times i can dream reality seems to collapse anything i have hyped up in my head. the reality is i am a free lance artist no schooling or degree will get me further because i am not meant for any disctatorship of a career. im not meant to be in a beaucratic system made to clock you in and out and give you secheduled breaks.....im a rebel in so many words that is destined for the open road. i know it sounds like a cop out.....or even more so i sound like a fuckin bumb..... i see myself making my own time....my own rules my own money my own art. lol yeah im the struggling artist living off my parents working at pizza hut waiting for my big break. Im a lonely creature with all the desire to be with my soulmate with 2.5 children and a nice little house sitting pretty. Im 24 so i got some time but nonetheless....in some peoples eyes too old to dream..... people my age have moved out of the nest have a wonderful career and are on their way to starting their new life with that special someone......not me though......im broke ....artisticly strained and lacking.....and sexually intamitely lonely.....but wat do i hear.....keep trying find another job.....go go go go....GO!!!!!! truth is i have no desire to. i feel like i can get what i want and do it my way.... as painful lonely and long this road may be im gonna get wat i want.......

something

Something.........
something to say

something to think about

something to do

something to show for

something........

something........

something........


something in the way she moves

something in the way she shows me

something in the way she loves me

something........

something........

something.......

something that i cannot explain

something i cannot be without

something that makes me

something that breaks me

something that consumes me

something that destroys me

something........

something........

something.........

something that makes me stick around

something that pulls me away

something in her

something in me

something.......

something......

something......

something thats sets it apart from the rest

something that can be appriciated

something that can be taken for granted

something........

something........

something........

something that is gone

something that is missed

something that has made me shed a tear

something that must be forgoten

something that will still always remain in my heart

something..........

something..........

something.........

my love

Kiss, breathe, stare, snatch , fuck die bitch

I remember the first time I met my fate. So much as to say i was murdered. It only took one moment in time to meet my end. But when it was all over you might say i felt alive again. Curiosity is what took me to this place of death. I saw something i thought i could never see. I saw the chance to make the move that would only engage in my demise. It was her , but only for a few seconds did i recall a silence. At best i tried to gather my thoughts but my blood was rushing and coursing through my veins like a freight train late on arrival; so much that the silence was broken. I knew nothing of what was to happen then ; never to know that i was impeding the last nail into my coffin. There she stood in front of me; little curious herself with a veil of fright. I couldn't stop though ; no matter if her fear was seeping through so loud and evident. i approached her slowly. Silly as it is to say i was shaking, I shook even more when i saw her gripping her hands together in a nervous rage. Inches from her face i stare into her eyes as she stares back. Neither of us have taken a breath yet. My lips so seldomly close to hers i press mine so gently. At first she was reluctant but my persistence on this flight encouraged her curiosity. She pulls me away as if to show me she couldn't fall into this. So i stop too look and see the news of my fate on her face. We breathe. For one moment we were in sync. However as the moment seemed to pass harder was her breath and louder was her heart beat. I looked at her once more and took this as her invite. As we wildly searched each other through each other's lips hands and eyes; we stared once more. She gave me just sweetest smile. For some reason i thought nothing of this smile, but little did i know that i was asking for it. In a twist of things it seems as though she has know taken me by surprise. As things progressed my ideas of giving it all i got came to light. I did snatch. i lifted her and anchored against the backdoor. its like i could feel the heat from that pussy and sense the wetness through her jeans. I bit her neck. She screams. I continue to clasp her so tight she responds. She grabs the back of my neck tighter and tighter with every bite i give her. I pull her hair for some control just so i could stare into those eyes. She bites her lip so intimately. We lay on the bed and fuck till our limbs were layed out like noodles. All the while however i never realized that i have just cursed myself. Just the simple taste of her has now put me into a trance. Ah that smile! OH YES! that fucking smile. She knew before this even started what she was doing to me..Look at me know following her around like a little puppy dog. Eager to taste her and that pussy. Waiting hoping wishing praying that she would be inside me soon again. I'm ready to have it woman! give it to me.....HMMM she is was merciful from time to time. Perhaps an appetizer or a snack even. Never again though did things played out evenly. I thought i was the one in control? I thought this foreplay was something she enjoyed. Did i not satisfy? i wondered. No i did satisfy her. I know i must have. Look at me now though........ my heart dangling on a torn artery. My pussy aching at just the sound of her voice. My knees bending at the sight of her. I am going crazy just to recall her breathing. The way she looked at me when i was fucking her. The way her face would cringe when i had her. The way she arched her back so delicately as she grinded on top of me. The way she layed lifeless after the orgasm i gave. The way her skin looked in the moonlight on warm summer's night. Just for that one night though i did have her. Now for the rest of days my she has me lifeless at her demands. Clenched by the thought of another chance with this woman. Did i satisfy ? Yes i did. She has the satisfaction of knowing my life is shit useless without her touch. Now she is gone now. Now i am dead. I felt nothing before her. When i had her i felt something. I cannot bear to know that another could have her like i did. To see her face the way it cringed in the heat passion. Her moaning at the hand of another. No she must be stopped. AH yes she let her guard down one to many times. As i lay above her giving myself the gift of her pleasure, i see that face i yearned for , for so long; Keep going make her cum. As she convulses in satisfaction i did her like she did me . I took her away to another place. Same look of fear when we first engaged together , it will be there forever till the day i die because with my hand she remains lifeless. Oh how beautiful she looks laying there. Her eyes still the same when we first kissed. I will cherish you always my love. So lets lay here you and i together till i cant stand the smell of this rotting body.

Referbished

So this blogg is really only a simple release. I have been caught up in some type of time machine. Everything seems to be going well; taking small steps to make my near future concrete and established. However it seems that i still havent attained a sense of voice. I feel as though no matter who or what pushes me to become a better more confident person is only temporary. Its horrifing to realize that ones hard work can be trambled into dust just by anothers words or actions towards you or perhaps the realizing that your hard work hasnt shown any results. Ah yes im sorry to say maybe the saying is true ; you cant really change a person; moreover can one really change himself? I have yet to find out that answer. Is it about will power? Is it about how much support you have? I have no clue. However for now the answer that lays before me is unknown. For now i look at this idea of change as more of an adaptation or an evolution of oneself. Sadly do your so-called bad habits or undesired characteristics still remain deep down inseide? I dont know. I dont think i can even give advice to someone when it comes to this subject. does anyone out ther have any answer for me? Or but wait i must be asking to much.........

SHE IS

SO GREAT TO HAVE PEOPLE WHO CARE .....

I LOVE YOU BEAUTIFUL......

Hey Fatty

"Well, if its only 30 cents more, you might as well get the larger size!"


I'm sure you all have made such choices in ones lifetime. Is it a crime ? Are you over indulging when going for the extra side or larger size soft drink. Certainly not. Unfortunately when you read that obesity is the number one killer in the united states whom can you blame? Do you blame the producer of such foods, the marketers the advertisers, the FDA, the economy and even perhaps your own mother? I mean honestly look at all the measures that have been taken to market such products as cereal, McDonald's Carl's Jr. pizza hut etc. Certain companies target certain demographics. Look at McDonald's for instance; they target, in my eyes, children. A happy funny clown with the promises of fun and a free toy in ones "happy meal" Ah yes i do remember the happy feeling i acquired through that little "happy meal". Carl's Jr and pizza hut's marketers have discovered the psychology for adults through sexual influence. I don't know about you but sex and eating is something i like to do on a regular basis; why not combine the two. Carl's for instance uses Paris Hilton in a skimpy out fit chowing down a scrumptious burger; Pizza hut has an add with two sexy Blondie haired blue eyed twins arriving at your door delivering a hot steamy cheesy pizza. Wow, i say! I need to order now; hopefully the twins will be awaiting me. Advertisement is a billion dollar business. These companies have spent so much money convincing you how great and convenient and cheap their food is, they have actually spent more on the marketing and advertisement than the food itself . Crazy right! The FDA actually over rules the serving of healthy less calorie meals at school lunches because it does not meet the surplus standards. Instead of serving out children appropriate healthy meals, they are serving them processed greasy , genetically modified foods. My mother? i cant blame her, she was just doing her best. Right? Well yes all mothers try to make the right choices to feed their children healthy foods. However when you have these constant advertisement of these modified foods , sometimes its hard to say no to your child's request. All in moderation my dear mommies. Unfortunately mothers have more than the advertisements to fight against. Mothers these days fight against the economy and straight up convenience. "Junk " food is far more cheaper to attain than a healthy meal. These "happy meals" and value meals are also much more of a convenience to any mother than actually going to a grocery store and buying the food and preparing a healthy meal. Its hard nowadays. you cant blame mom for trying to pull it off in good time and still satisfying our stomachs. So who to blame?You cant blame anyone but yourself. As an adult we have the reasoning power to make choices in everything we do especially or daily consumption.


I'm writing this blog in regards to myself. Yes i am one of the many Americans that fit into this cataclysmic category of obesity. Sad but true. I have been searching for the answers on why my weight has spiralled into what it is today. For the longest time i was blaming it on my family life and the stress of it all leading me to comfort myself through food. I blamed the economy for such cheap easy to grab and go foods. i even blamed my own mother for allowing me as a child to imprint these bad eating habits; for not stopping me when enough was enough. I even now blamed people like the FDA , the surgeon general, the food corporations for not labeling their food properly. But no i say That is not the case however, it is the personal decision i made not to take care of my health. Now as an adult i have the choice to do the research on what i put into my body. I have the power to make healthy choices despite the economy and whats cheaper and whats convenient to me. Its time for me to start things in right way. Healthy choices, well portioned meals and a daily regiment of exercise. My goal is to turn this experiment of advertisement, false food labels, exercise lacking, economy driven, convenient controlled body of mine into what natural selection has designed for me to be. No more excuses i say. Please do not get me wrong; there is nothing wrong with indulging in the food of convenience or eating a bowl of sugary cereal. or even munching on that snickers bar: But i do proclaim moderation in all and self awareness of whats going into our bodies. Things like obesity and heart disease liver disease, diabetes are a growing factor in this great nation of ours. Just please be aware. Even you skinny fuckers out there. yes you!. Just because you are a size two doesn't mean your arteries are filled to the rim with cholesterol. most of all if this generation adults recognize the dilemma then we can make the change for our future, our children; because they are the ones that will carry on. Sooner than later the problem can cease to exist and we can all start now.......and hey fatty its never too late

AMADEUS

To whom it may concern,


To readers of all.......readers of all types; readers of all creeds, race, religion; passionate readers, seldom readers, those seeking answers, those asking the questions, those who simply have the need to release, i implore you, i support you; as a matter of fact i indulge in this vivacious and ravenous hunger to indeed satisfy this overtaking of such wants and needs that comes from writing or reading blogs. i know this sounds like the typical introduction to a blog entry, however it is something that i feel is proper in establishing my thoughts and ideas and really showing this world my "face". It has come to my recent attention that i in fact have discovered through my own personal hell the reality of my passions. I cant really describe what it is i am trying to say or come off as; all i can do is write. So in doing so, i am going to start out by saying going absolutely mad has become chic. Alas i have been mad way before, in my eyes, mad had become so in demand. My passions transgressed from simple urges to push limits, to now not only pushing limits but pulverizing any boundaries that should so bound me. One of the closest measures i can compare my sense of madness can be expressed into forms by two different characters in a movies entitled "Amadeus". Simply mad are both Wolfgang and court composer both absolutely passionate in their works both driven by their love of music and the art of creation. In this film, court composer realizes his whole life , which was dedicated to God , for his talent as a composer, up to the point of meeting Wolfgang, was nothing but a flight of lies and deceit on God's part. He discovered that Wolfgang a rude, crude, vial, lustful man was far more a refined a composer than himself, and it turned him away from God because why such a dreadful being be an instrument of such heavenly talent and him only left to recognize it. Wolfgang on the other hand in this film was a loose man without boundaries, Besides his love of music and his passions to write it, money was one of his biggest influences. Not like the court composer who was just in the business to create for his name to be legend through out time for his works. In the end, the one who made it to that pedestal was Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. I am sure you all know of him. I do feel like court composer at times and at others i feel like Amadeus. I am at a crossroads with my madness; what to do? who should i become? My madness is sprung from so many seeds but most of all it has sprung from the simple fact i haven't found my place in this world. I haven't found it in my job, my friends, my loves, my family. The only place i have found myself to be "normal" is within my madness. My works, my art , my creation, my sense of psychology, my sense of love , my own world.


In this world i have a place i run with Mozart, Salvador Dali, Georgia O'Keeffe. Yes i do put myself on their level because if one really takes time to look at their works look past the obvious, you will see their own personal hell, their madness, who they really are. Their work is their place in this world and that is what i plan to do.

but where to start.......here ....there.......paper.....blogg.....paint.....voice.....so many outlets.........i might just do all just the same...... my madness is my creation and my creation is my work my work is my identity my identity is my place in this world.........